“I’m having a miserable week,” says my client. “My food is out of control; my boss got fired; I hoped for his job; I’ve been given most of his work but none of the title, prestige, or money that comes with it. Let me skip telling you about life at home.”
My client feels awful and is in an awful position in many areas of her life. And I am addicted to helping people! So, I obviously have to find a way to fix this situation, and in the 47 minutes left of our session! What to do???????
When you are in a difficult position, and the more you worry about it the more difficult it becomes, how do you get out of this?
We can just drive ourselves insane worrying on the myriad of problems. “And the food is the only thing that gives me comfort and calm,” she says.
This is a matter that needs effective boundaries. A boundary is a line I draw between myself and another person, place, thing, or idea. Last week when we talked about handling tough stuff, you might have noticed that lots of the problems were caused by ineffective boundaries and needed boundary adjustments to solve them or make them better.
Someone I trust once said I said, “I know that the way to change my problems with me, or my life, or other people, has only one solution. I need to change.” It is really hard to change me. I have to first DECIDE to change, then I have to CHOOSE to change, then I have to figure out HOW to change, then I have to figure out WHAT change to make first, then I need to cry about it and bemoan my fate. Then, I probably need to get some help to make the change stick, and I have to make the change small enough to be manageable for me.
Please let there be not more than three changes, and let them be small, and maybe not even every day. But let them be changes you really want in your life.
When we let food take over managing our feelings and making our choices, we get a particular kind of result in our lives. Letting other forces manage our lives gives us a different result. Who could help us choose? The “Wise Woman” who lives inside us? A trusted friend? Adviser? Therapist? Sponsor? Writer? Teacher? A Higher Power we know and trust? A book or set of principles that we like and respect? Maybe a mixture?
I feel sad to hear of folk who have struggled a long time and still struggle. I always have the feeling that they are missing out on the life they could have created if they were not constantly in this struggle with food. There is a path to food freedom. It can be hard sometimes, it can take work and changing – us changing ourselves – but it is so worthwhile – valuable – rewarding. It allows us to become the people we were meant to be, and this is precious. And to be free of the compulsion – a miracle!
If you have this struggle, be welcome to share it with me. In the next weeks, I want to talk more about boundaries around food, eating, and body weight, as well as boundaries with other people around these issues. Send me your questions and concerns and I will try to answer them.
Blessings to you,